


Smile For Me

by SeoulWings13



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Character Death, Death, Emotions, Gen, Haikyuu!! AU Week, Hinata Shouyou & Kozume Kenma Friendship, I Don't Even Know, Kozume Kenma & Kuroo Tetsurou Friendship, Kozume Kenma Needs a Hug, POV Kozume Kenma, Volleyball
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:07:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28462872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeoulWings13/pseuds/SeoulWings13
Summary: Kenma has a condition forcing himself to suppress his feelings. He doesn't want to die, but living is hard as well. There are no other feelings he could hide. When his childhood friend and his newest acquaintance become closer and find out about himself. He's okay. Until he wasn't.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kozume Kenma, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 7
Kudos: 18





	Smile For Me

**Author's Note:**

> Wheee more putting off of my LiT fic. Please understand, but this is the last fic of this year. 
> 
> I AM A FAILURRREEEEEERERERE. No one let me write past 3am, I always always screw it up. @Carrochan thank you for pointing it out :') I'm sorry yall.
> 
> (wow really imaginative, Rey.) 
> 
> Please comment and stuff, I love reading and responding to them.

Hinata was always smiling? What made it okay for him to be so happy? Would one day, he know the happiness filling Hinata? All these questions cycled through Kenma's head. He longed for the comfort of a smile or a hug, the tranquility of joy. Emotions were complex hormonal signals sent through the brain, but humans interpreted them and acted on them like orders from the heavens. Except for Kenma.

Emotions were a lethal strain on his weak heart. His brain would send too many hormones, overloading the muscle. With a single shout of happiness, his heart could give out. A simple scare could end his life. Volleyball was fine. His heart could handle it. The exercise was good; the doctors had told him it might strengthen the muscle. Most were encouraging him to continue playing volleyball, and the ones who didn't still advised him to run.

-

"Kozume! Let's hang out later! Just because we're from different teams doesn't mean we can't be friends!!" Shoto spoke in rainbows and exclamation points; it was slightly endearing to Kenma.

"Mmm." He nodded in agreement, neither happy nor sad. A boss died on his screen and the sounds of triumph played from the small speakers.

"Tomorrow! I'll bring food and Tobio. We can play around and all. Bring a friend too!"

Hinata ran off with his team, the bounce in his step so bright. Kenma watched him go. There was no reason for him to reach out, but he did. There was no reason for him to make an effort, but he did. If the boy was an angel, then Kenma was a ghost who couldn't show gratitude. A sharp pain raced through his chest, leaving as quickly as it came. They often came when he thought about feelings or others. He clutched at the spot ridden with pain, calming down. He wasn't ready to die. He didn't want to die.

What would it be like to be on a first-name basis with someone? He was scared to get attached and excited. Kuro was the only one he thought to refer to on a first-name basis. Maybe one day he could call Hinata "Shoyo." Hinata had said to bring a friend. He'd ask Kuro to come. A curse escaped his lips as the avatar on his screen died. Thinking took way too much concentration.

Tomorrow took its sweet time coming. Kuro was coming along, and Kenma was playing Warcraft of World. Growing bored as the game failed to hold his interest, he switched to Amongst Us. The randoms in the lobby were unreasonable, but he played on, waiting for time to move. Hours passed and night fell. It occurred to him sleeping might pass time quicker, but sleep was a concept of human exhaustion, something he wasn't feeling with coffee in his blood.

Eventually, his cat leaped on his desk, signaling it was morning. Kenma glanced down at the creature interrupting his fifth game of Legends of League. His fingers clicked keys as the final blow was delivered to the core of the enemy's base. The cat meowed plaintively and Kenma rose. Heading to the kitchen he started making coffee. The cat whined until she was fed, and Kenma sighed with bliss into a warm cup of liquid energy. Several snacks were shoved into his pocket.

-

He pulled on a simple hoodie and jacket, leaving to meet Tesuro, Kageyama, and Hinata. Arriving at the set meeting point, he pulled out his 3DK and started playing a game of Kokemon. Hinata's cheerful voice cut through the morning air, causing Kenma to misclick resulting in the defeat of his Fowlet. But it was Shoyo Hinata, and he couldn't be mad at Hinata. Not that he was ever able to be "mad" without dying.

"Kozume! Over here!" Hinata was with Kageyama. The latter was setting up an umbrella, and his gaze gave Kenma the chills.

"Hello, Hinata and Kageyama." Kenma was awkward, his console snapped shut and hidden in his pocket. Gratefully Kuro appeared, saving him from the awkwardness.

"Good morning guys!" He was so comfortable with them. The emotion wasn't envy, but a longing in Kenma's gaze as Kuro said "Shoyo" and "Tobio."

The four unpacked and ate, the food taking an edge off their hunger. The tension eased, and soon, they were all laughing. Except for Kenma. He wasn't making the happy sounds everyone else was making. Hinata noticed this.

"Kozume, are you okay?"

The three words he hated most stung into a sentence. "Are you okay?" What constitutes as "okay?" Was being okay laughing? Was being okay sleeping? What was his definition of okay? His standard of okay was breathing and his cat was alive. She was special to him.

"I'm fine." he paused. "You call me Kenma."

"And you can call me Shoyo!" Kenma could practically see the happy faces floating above Sho. He spoke in emojis. It was unnerving one could be so expressive, but kinda cute.

The picnic wrapped up and Tobio and Kuro went off to play volleyball. Kenma and Sho were left behind, just chatting. Kenma's fingers were itching to play something; he hadn't gone this far without a game before. Reaching into his pocket, he was greeted with a couple of apple pies. Pulling two out, one was offered to Sho, and the other found a resting place in his mouth. The younger male smiled as he accepted the treat.

"What do you do for fun besides volleyball?"

"Games. Like Legends of League and Amongst Us."

"That's so cool! You should teach me sometime!"

"I can if you want me to."

"Really?! Can we do it tomorrow?"

"Sure...?"

His enthusiasm caught Kenma off guard. The conversation wasn't prying, it was interesting without requiring him to talk about feelings. Sho was such an easy person to talk to.

"Can I call you Kume?" Hinata's -Sho's- love of nicknames was something fascinating to the older male. Kume was short and sweet and would be an actual nickname. Pudding Head just wasn't going to cut it.

"I'd like that."

-

The two met up and hung out often. Shoyo was fascinated with the complex gaming setup Kume had spent so much money on. Sho watched as the experienced gamer racked up kill after kill until his AD/K was 8/4/26. Shoyo thought there was nothing as exhilarating as hitting a toss downward but watching Kume matched the energy. With the amount he trained, gamed, and took care of his cat, Sho wondered about his sleeping schedule.

"Do you sleep?"

"Here and there. I prefer coffee." In truth, when he was tired like this, there was no energy left to risk straining his heart with emotions.

Sho's eyebrow quirked, as his cat hopped onto the desk. She purred as Kenma paused to give her a head scratch.

"What's the kitty's name?" He had asked Kume one day.

"Cat. I never thought of anything else."

"Cat?" Sho repeated, turning to see Kenma asleep at his monitor; the screen flashing with a bright red "Victory."

The younger chuckled and shut off the monitor, moving Kenma to his bed. He quietly let himself out of the room and headed home. A soft chuckle escaped his lips, drawing thought to his mind. Kume never smiled or laughed. He never yelled or got enraged. He never cried or looked sad. The most he had seen was an apathetic eyebrow quirk. The train ride moved quickly.

Sho went home, planning to try and get an emotion out of Kenma. The boy was uncaring. He had to have a reason, right? There had to be a reason why there was never a smile on his lips. A smile would look so nice on his face.

-

Kenma woke up, a jolt of fear running through his body as he was in his bed. He swore as another pain ran through his chest. Steady the breathing. Calm down. Slowly the pain eased, the throbbing slowing and stopping. The cat hopped onto his bed. She butted her head against his chest in concern.

"I'll be okay," he murmured. She looked at him with a sigh of relief.

He pulled himself out of bed. Two pains in two weeks. It was getting worse. It was impossible to never feel, but his life was moving too quickly. He wanted to feel once in his life. A knock on his door alerted him to Kuro who was his ride to the doctor's today.

"You don't have to drive me. Technically only drugs are deadly to me."

"Not funny Kenma. You're fragile."

"I could've walked."

"It's four miles."

"I can play hours in games. I told you, it's just the hormones."

Kenma smiled at the care Kuro had for him. The thought and sentiment were nice. He just wished he could express his gratitude in a way where serotonin wouldn't rush through his blood. A small grunt of frustration wormed its way out of his lips, bringing another pain to his chest. Kuro pulled over, rubbing small circles into his back.

"Breath Kenma. Breath! You've been with me forever now, don't die. Don't die."

Several inhales later, a quiet Kenma sat curled in the seat. Normally the grunt of frustration didn't hurt. He'd done it before and been fine. It was weakening. It was supposed to be stronger, not weaker. Why? Why? Why. Kuro drove slowly, pulling into the lot of Kenma's current hospital. His parents weren't home often, but they paid Kenma's bills. They were somewhere in the States now, leaving Kenma alone.

Kenma sat, waiting for the doctor. Texts from Sho came into his phone.

Sho: Where are you?

Kume: Hospital.

Sho: Are you sick? 0.o

Kume: Yep. But this is just a checkup.

Sho: Why are you sick? :00

Kume: I've been sick for a long time.

Kume: Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. Kuro is here.

Sho: But Kume, I care about you.

[Read 3:29]

-

"I care about you." He hadn't heard those words from anyone but Kuro. His chest throbbed painfully, causing him to fall off his chair and tumble to the floor. A nurse noticed and rushed him into a room. He was struggling to breathe and was hooked up to an oxygen machine, his breath fogging the mask.

Sensors were pressed against his translucent skin, monitoring his heart. Blood samples were taken and moved quickly to a lab. Kuro was alerted and he called Sho giving him directions. Ten minutes later Sho stood by Kenma's side.

"Breathe. Breathe... Please I'm begging you to breathe!" Sho was crying, tears landing on Kume's hands.

The boys were ushered out while Kume's doctor arrived to perform an inspection. Kuro was silent, tears slipping down his face. Sho, still not understanding what happened, was panicking. He had the rational thought to ask Kuro what was going on, and Kuro had the brainpower to tell him. Sho guiltily looked down at the text.

"Does Kume have a lot of people who care about him?"

"Not really. He has you and me. It's all he wants."

"Not even Cat or his parents?"

"Cat is an animal." the gentle reminder hit Sho. "And his parents are in the States. They aren't really present for him."

"That must be hard."

"Mmm. He likes you. That's interesting."

Sho's mouth opened to respond, but the doctor gestured for them to come inside. Kenma was sleeping, the oxygen mask fitted onto his face. Sensors were attached to his chest, and a new app was running on his phone monitoring his heart. In the crisp white bed, Kenma looked small and pathetic. The fluorescent lighting made him look sickly and pale.

"He'll live. His heart is weaker than it should be, but he'll live. He should play more volleyball and sleep a little more. I have some medication to calm him down if it spikes again. We can let him sleep for now, but keep an eye on him."

When Kenma awoke, he saw a quiet Sho by his side. "I wanted to know why you wouldn't smile. But now, please don't smile if it hurts you that much."

Kenma nodded, the look formerly seen as apathetic, now clearly longing for something more.

-

Six months had passed, and Kenma was doing better. He still didn't smile, but according to the app, his heart was up to 70% functionality. He would watch the number race down when something happened, the fear in his eyes making it move faster. Then Sho or Kuro would come behind him and calm him down.

Kenma was even more careful, avoiding most large gatherings and ignoring his surroundings during volleyball. He was good and being quiet. The medication worked, but it was limited in quantity. Soon it was gone.

The app did its job, and Kenma managed to keep the function in the 60% area. His life went on as normal. Cat was happy to see him, and he stroked her head absently. There wasn't anything to do but play games and practice. He watched himself rack up a win in Amongst Us, and lose a round in Legends of League.

The loss was a minor inconvenience. He was ranked first on the leaderboard anyway. There was nothing to do but play again. He played, winning. Several chat requests appeared in his game-inbox. They were from the lower levels, and he ignored them. There was nothing other people online could do to hold his interest.

During a match between Karasuno and Date Tech drew his attention. It was the last in the tournament. Sho was performing a normal fast attack, but the wall kept blocking them. The team's morale was drooping. Kenma wasn't sure what was happening. Karasuno was capable of beating Date Tech, but they were losing with a 4 point lag.

Stress was overtaking him. He groped in his bag for the medication, but all he found was an empty prescription bottle. His chest was on fire, the app beeping saying he was below 20% functionality. Kenma's world went fuzzy and he blacked out. The air was so hard to breathe. There wasn't anything he could do. His heart hurt so much.

Yelling and shouting sounded around him. Someone called an ambulance. Had Kenma been conscious, he would've seen Sho swap himself out. He would've seen Karasuno play harder than ever. He would've seen the pain in Kuro's eyes. Yet, despite all this, Kenma wasn't seeing. He was in pain, and fairly certain he was going to die.

The hospital walls greeted his unfocused eyes. His chest hurt so much. No, it was numb. Sho was there. So was Kuro. All he wanted was to close his eyes. Just a slow sliding down of the eyelids. His friends knew what was going to happen, and the fact he was too weak to fight it. Their faces were full of pain, and he could let himself feel it all.

"Sho." he croaked out. His hands moved to remove the mask. The prettiest smile adorned his face, and pearly tears ran down his face.

"Did you win?"

Shoyo nodded. They had beaten narrowly Date Tech, the news of Kenma filling the team with new resolve and energy. "We won. The tournament too."

Kenma's smile widened. "Then I won too. Kuro... Thanks for everything... Everything. It means so much."

His eyes slid shut, tears falling from his lashes onto the pillow. "I can't make up for my lost emotions in two minutes. But I'm so grateful." he took a shuddering breath.

"Sho? I wanna smile for you once more. A real one."

"Kume..."

But the calling of the name was too late. The boy who wanted to feel had cried his first tears and smiled his first smile. He had his first friends and enjoyed his time on this Earth. As if it wanted to be a jarring reminder, the short beeping that signaled life went flat.

A soft smile had spread across Kenma's face, and his eyes never opened again. Tears still clung to his eyelashes, but that soft smile was permanently on his lips.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sad. I finished "Demon Slayer" and "Into The Forest Of Fireflies Light" now I'm sad.
> 
> Love this fic though.


End file.
